Flashback

Sekelip mata, it’s coming to the fifth year…Anna was chatting with me on msn, she was telling me how she’s thinking of how we were so silly when we were still in high school, all the hatreds. And now, we yam cha like nobody’s business. Hahaha…

 

I must admit how silly high school used to be. But perhaps, it’s those stupidity that made high school years the most special years in life. Power gives you fame, power gives you attention, POWER GIVES YOU ADVANTAGE. That’s what I learned from high school you know? It started with wanting the best co-curricular ratings on your school report. Then it became sort of a selfish thing, groups divided into two, one towards the first ranking person, the other half towards the second ranking person, etc etc etc.

 

Now what does this sound like? It sounds like POLITICS right? PRECISELY! That’s it, it’s politics…We’ve been “educated” to be involve in politics. But you know what, I totally hate politics, the government types. Oh well, not very surprising though, since the prefect body functions according to “Parliamentary Style”. What do they call it, “LEMBAGA PENGAWAS”. Lol. Such a fancy name.

 

I’m pretty different compared to when I was still back in high school. Probably 50% of me has changed, for the better or worse, I’m not quite sure. Back then, rarely would you see me smiling to you unless you’re like my classmate or  something, let alone laughing out loud like a hyena.

 

The serious trait of me still stays of course. At work, when you need to be serious, you need to. If you laugh too much, that’s a bit psychotic already. Lol. Anyway, back to Anna, she was saying, we didn’t seem to like each others’ presence last time. When I said, “Yea lor, macam musuh”. Her reply was, “Not macam, is really musuh”…ROFL. That was hillarious. Now flashing back, Anna came into our school with this other girl (can’t remember who, Pei Ear? Or someone else), in Form 4 and they were from mutiara. I’m sorry to be rude lah right, but I think, the "Town school” students kinda have “perceptions” about people from schools out of the town area? Okay la, I know it’s REALLY bad hahaha….I don’t know what do people think, but personally, I just thought there are lots of samseng po and samseng kong from those schools, hence the prejudice perhaps?

 

So….I was the incoming president for the Leo Club that year, and I sort of went around promoting recruitment etc. Then Anna joined, with many many many others. It was funny, I was nervous about how my new members would be like, etc etc etc. Takes yonks for them to confirm previous meeting minutes really - _ - Can’t be that hard right girls? But well, things changed A LOT, I mean A LOT, for the better or worse, after we attended the Leo Forum that year. Things were pretty messy after that, not even gonna talk about it. It’s of no benefit. Of course, nothing would matter anymore now that I’m in uni, like, it’s totally unrelated, and I’m off the club matters for years. (speaking of which, won’t it be fun to have reunions? juniors be more creative la, organise something for the seniors. LOL). Those who were around me would’ve known what was up and down, and many have asked me if I would speak again, I’d say…what has happened has happened, and perhaps it’s more of the self ego than anything else that would keep the barrier there. The fact is, it happened, and the current fact is, it’s over, but it’s indeed a valuable lesson I’ve learned along the way.

 

Anyway, it seems like I’ve talked too much. There’s really lots I’d like to spill, it’s been a long journey with the friends. And I miss it, a lot. On another separate issue, I’m still fighting with my innerself, DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK AND DO NOT TALK, JUST AVOID AND YOU’LL BE FINE! It’s a bit hard seeing something that’s there during the day. Like today, I went to the city just to get my mind off that person. It’s just immature to get rid of it just so I don’t s ee it. It’s a bit like, if you’re a crazy shopper, you see something and YOU MUST BUY, tak beli macam hati tak enak. Sigh….

 

That’s all for now, I have ample time to blog from today onwards. Back to my bubble tea, and series….I need to stock up series.

To go or to stay home

Contemplating on whether I should stay home, or go out…More like, wanting to get off MSN during the day rather than anything else, for some reason…But going out, when I don’t intend to, is just another way of spending unnecessarily. I don’t really have the urge to go out after exams this time…Don’t mind bumming around going on series marathon.

 

Anyway, exam’s over now…First time ever getting freedom in the beginning of 2nd week of exams! That’s all I wanna say for now. Laters.

WO HEN STRESS!!!

I am so so so so so very very very very STRESSED now!!! I was alright yesterday afternoon when I got hold of my Pharmacotherapy. But it turns out, seems like I've forgotten all the Pharmaceutics I've had in my brains before. Thanks for checking the discussion board, I'm now more stressed than ever after realising that I couldn't answer that freaking past year question (not like it's likely to be repeated if it's last year's). BUT STILL, It should be in my brain, like in a snap, I should be able to produce the answer. How la this how la this.....Cham liaoooo...................I feel like crying now =(

Another random day

Hey yo...How's everyone? Life's so dull at the moment! Exams coming in two weeks, and I'm slacking. It wouldn't be pleasant if I were to fall this semester, of all semesters. NO WAY! Get your heads in.

So...how have I been lately? Not bad I guess...Apart from looking at some people's name and not being able to click on it, coz of? EGO. Maybe that, and a bit of, "you don't seem like you're interested to talk". Anyhow, nothing's going to change anything anyway.

I've had my last lab for the entire course today. My lab coat may rest in peace. It feels good that the horrible days are coming to an end in a year. But friends would be leaving too. And I'll be starting a brand new life AGAIN. Hopefully the days would get better. All the best with the exams.

~Still waiting~

Signing off...

Happy Birthday to the NUMBER ONE PERSON in my life

To My Father,

The man I admire,

the one who raises my spirits and never lets me down,

the person I look up to and hope to someday

be exactly like…

I feel so lucky to have you as my father.

Having such a strong, positive person to look up to,

and model my life after has shaped me into the person I am today

With your guidance and friendship,

I have always felt so safe and secure,

and I have had the confidence to set goals

and meet them without apprehension

You have always believed in me

and in my dreams, and because of that,

I know I will always have the courage and strength

to keep on believing in myself.

You have been the greatest father I ever could have have asked for.

I love you very much, and I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done,

throughout my life.

Happy Birthday Daddy! Thanks for the love you’ve showered in my life for over 20 years. It must have been tiring for you, to accommodate to my unusual behaviours and demands in life. Sorry for putting you in disappointments after disappointments worries after worries. I’m still trying to find my way to be a grown up. But yet, I’m still that attached to you and mum, like how I used to when I was young. Maybe it’s because I was a bit late to realize how much you both loved me and cared for me, and hence realizing that I’ve lost that many days to appreciate them, before the realization.

I hope that one day when I’m going against the current to return back home to be with you all, you would grant me your blessings. I still think that a bright future without happy days, is useless. Please pardon me for the hiccups I’ve brought into your life.

I LOVE AND MISS YOU A LOT DAD. I’m waiting for my next chance to celebrate your birthday with you. Take care.

No idea

I really wished dad's here so I won't be afraid. When will I stop making people worry about me? Mid year when I was back, mum told me it's time to be more independent and not depend so much on them anymore. I had such an unlucky one month...First my laptop broke down, leaving me with nothing to feed on emotionally. Then now this, sucking the remains of my hope and spirits. Sorry I'm not disclosing anything in detail because it's not of my intention to announce to the whole world. If I happen to not tell this story to the closest friends of mine, please don't take it to heart...I just somehow feel very VERY ashamed.

Lovely week turned totally opposite and I feel like a piece of crap. I'm so tired...It just strengthens my desire to not live on my own here? It's pretty depressing when you thought things are getting better as the years go by, but NO, it just falls back to square one. Is life really about UPS and DOWNS? Like so much of the extremities. Honestly, I've been here for almost four years now, and it's only this year that I felt like, life is alright. Argh I don't know. I just want to be in my comfort zone. Why do I need to put myself in so many "experiences". Would make me grow? Maybe...Would put a scar in my mind and heart? Definitely. Is it worth? I don't know, I'm still looking for the answer. I feel very much that I'm wasting my time overseas, doing something I could very well do with my results in Malaysia. Overseas very cool? Not that special apart from a better government. Emotional wise, not worth it.

Among all siblings, apart from producing the best results in study, I'm certainly ranked last. Maturity, independence...sis has them all, way before the age of 21. Bro's doing a good job overall, as a son. I just can't live on my own!

It feels cold...I don't really wanna turn in for the night just yet, it's just so silent...I'd have to build up my spirit to face what I'll be facing in a week...God Bless me please. No matter how unlucky I am, no matter how much bitter stuff I've tasted, I'm always lucky to be the child of mum and dad.

Worrying won’t add another day to your life

Actually, I also don’t know how to interpret that…Let me just crap a little anyway. You know how sometimes I say, people do silly things because they step on their brains everyday? their brains are located on their foot? Well it seems that these days, I’m the one who’ve been walking on my brains. Don’t know what to do and I was very afraid at one point that I chose to snuggle under my quilt. Sorry I’m such a coward. I really hope things would resolve and I would want to be realising that I was just being paranoid over things. Oh God….

 

Wish to be playing TT this week to cheer myself a bit. That’s about as close as I can get to doing things that I love. Dance is just merely impossible though I’m considering about signing up for classes in summer since my instructor wouldn’t be around anymore when I’m back in Labuan. What I really want to do is to move stage by stage and get up to Bronze/Silver stage, or even Gold. Is that even possible though?